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my life daily

Archive for October, 2009

oops, I did it again!

Do you know what it feels like?

To be an accident?

I was never supposed to happen. I just did. I just happened. To my mother’s dismay, of course. It definitely explains a lot. Why they never seemed to care for me. I just thought that’s how they operated as parents. They let me do whatever I wanted. Many kids would love parents like that. That’s why I did so much.

But something just never seemed quite right. A piece of the jigsaw puzzle was missing. Something seemed off.

I never realized this inbalance until a seemingly normal and mundane dinner took place last night. My mother told me.

“You need to think about your future, buddy.”

“I do mom.”

“You need to think about how you’re going to pay for medical school. I sure as hell am not paying for it. Once you hit 18, I’m disowning you. Don’t expect any money from me. I did my job. I raised you this far.”

“I know mom. That’s what you always tell me.”

“I’m serious. How are you going to pay for medical school? Are you sure you want to be a doctor? What if you can’t even get into med school? What are you going to do then? You need to settle down one day. Have kids and marry someone nice.”

“I don’t think I really want kids.”

“Good! Don’t have kids. You’re just wasting your life away if you want to have kids.”

“Well, I just don’t want to have kids now but maybe that will change in the future.”

“No. Don’t have kids. I’m telling you. It’s not worth it. I didn’t want to have kids when I was your age for the longest time.”

“Then what made you want to have me?”

“I didn’t.”

“What?”

“You were an accident. So was your brother 6 years ago.”

“What?”

“Well your father says you weren’t an accident. But I never planned on having you.”

It was at this point when my father chose to leave.

“Now your father’s all mad. He didn’t want me telling you.”

“God mom! If you didn’t want my brother and I – maybe you should’ve taken more precautions! Use birth control, use condoms, use spermicide! There are so many contraceptions there!”

I stormed off. I couldn’t believe it. I spent the next few hours crying in my bathroom with the air ventilation on and with the water running so that my parents wouldn’t suspect anything. I’ve never felt so unwanted in my life. Way to top off a horrible week. I had just failed my biology test and chemistry test that week. My teachers all hated me.

The worst part was that my parents didn’t even come in to check out if I was okay. They went off to send my brother to his karate school. It’s just that…my mother said it with such a calm demeanour. As if it was the most normal thing in the world. “Yeah…you know…you’re just an accident.” Could my life be any more worse? Yeah, I guess it could.

a lesson on never giving up

Exert your talents, and distinguish yourself, and DON’T THINK of retiring from the world, until the world WILL BE SORRY that you retire.
Samuel Johnson

biology is a bore

Who knew biology could be so boring? Especially for an aspiring physician.

I have a test tomorrow. Yes, I studied. It was just so boring. I didn’t even feel like memorizing all the definitions, processes, and characteristics of stupid bacteria, fungi, and especially protists. Protists are the worst. They’re only placed in Kingdom Protista because they don’t fit into all the other kingdoms. Talk about pathetic. That’s when you know you don’t belong. Protists are a mixture of the social outcasts in school. The introverted geeks who choose not to associate themselves with other people. The crazy goths you see staring you down but never having the balls to call you out. The quiet emos. The loners. They’re all protists.

Protists are mostly unicellular. Some are multicellular. They can be either autotrophic or heterotrophic. (I know…I’m reviewing biology through blogging? Real sharp.) They produce both asexually or sexually. Their size ranges vary. See what I mean? Some are animal-like. Some are plant-like. Some are fungis-like. But at the same time, they’re not animals. They’re not plants. They’re not fungi. They don’t belong!

I hate protists.

The only thing I like about protists is the fact that they live in aquatic environments. Because I’m a swimmer. Naturally.

Fungi is #2 on my least favourite kingdom. Um, first of all…they’re digusting to look at? Who cares about how they reproduce? They all reproduce through spores anyway. Is it really necessary to classify them as zoospores? Zygospores? Ascospores? Basidiospores? I honestly don’t care about their hyphae either. Other words for hyphae are haustoria (specialized hyphae that can penetrate through a host’s cell without killing it right away) and mycorrhiza (hyphae that exist surrounding plant roots). Definitions are straight out of the textbook. No way am I going to cite them here. These definitions are too boring to even deserve a proper citation.

And then I get all confused about whether each kingdom consists of heterotrophs or autotrophs; reproduce sexually or asexually; are unicellular or multicellular; are terrestrial or aquatic; or are anaerobic or aerobic. They’re all different! You see, plants are autotrophs. Fungi, you would assume to be autotrophs as well because they look so much like plants. No. They’re more closely related to animals than to plants. Isn’t that so messed up? Because, you see, fungi are heterotrophic and their cell walls are made of chitin not cellulose. Oh wow.

And what’s with the complicated names of each organism? Methanococcus jannaschii? Staphlococcus aureaus? Bacillus anthracis? Treponema pallidum? Which, by the way, is syphillis. Oh, and that’s just the prokaryotes. We also have amoeba proteus, entamoeba hystolitica, foraminifera, giardia, trypanosoma, and chlamydomonas. Those are all the protists. See why I hate protists so much now? No way am I memorizing all this.

And I want to be a DOCTOR. I’m so bored in biology. What am I to do? Maybe it’s just because we haven’t started the units dealing with biochemistry, molecular genetics, or the human anatomy.

Oh, and by the way, if you’re bored with this post? Point proven. Biology sucks.

it’s hard to stay in shape

The life of a swimmer is hard. And I’m not talking about competitive swimming like Michael Phelps. Of course that’s hard. After a few months of being inactive (E.g. not running, not going to the gym, not swimming), I decided to go to the pool today.

Bad idea.

I not only struggled swimming a few laps but I also spent 5-minute long breaks after every two laps. Talk about being a nationally certified lifeguard and swimming instructor. I do not deserve the titles, do I?

Life is full of setbacks. Success is determined by how you handle these setbacks.

Which is true to some extent. I plan on swimming every single week. I know and understand that it will be even harder to get my lazy ass to the pool but I have to try. My staff training is in a few weeks! I cannot embarrass myself in front of all my friends and co-workers!

I’ll manage.

For the time being, I need to work on my math, chemistry, and french. Then I have to study for the SAT. Boring day? You bet. Many opportunities for failure.

let’s watch the world go round

it’s always winter, but never christmas.
it seems this curse just can’t be lifted.

He looked at her, wishing he could do something.

He had just met her. They had only known each other for a few months – 4 months, to be specific, he thought to himself. He couldn’t help but feel this way about her. She was one of the most amazing people he had ever met. Yes, he knew he had only just met her. She was nice, kind, funny, and smart.

‘I know that sounds generic,’ he thought. But she was so much more than that. She was real. Not as in a real person – of course she was a real person. What’s the word for it? She was genuine. The kind of person everyone wanted to be friends with. The kind of person everyone just loved. The kind of person who was caring, kind-hearted, and most importantly – selfless. Her heart was as pure as glacier water, just…warm…glacier water. She never said anything bad about anyone before, ever – that he knew of, of couse.

But she was crying. He wanted to know why. He knew it had something to do with her boyfriend. He was never the right one for her. How can she not realize?

‘I’m the one for you, he thought. ‘You were always supposed to be with me.’

‘Why would he do this to me? Accusing me of lying? He called me a liar, Sidney!’ she said through streaming tears and red, puffy eyes. Her nose was red and runny, her hands were full of wet, crumpled tissues, her skin was pale and white.

He wanted to scream out,‘You’re beautiful! Don’t listen to him. He’s a jerk for making you cry – for calling you a liar. He doesn’t realize what he has.’ But he bit his tongue.

He couldn’t say it. Why was this so hard for him? Maybe it’s because he was just a friend. Who knew that word could hurt so much?

A part of him was always waiting for Beth and Jake to break up. He thought maybe then it would be his chance to swoop in and steal her heart. Seeing the pain that was on her face – her deep love for this Jake guy – he was having second thoughts. He had fantasized the entire thing. How he would take her out into the city at night and ask her out over a candlelight dinner at the Fat Belgian. How her eyes would shine and her face would glow at his request. How she would finally realize her undying love for him and take him in her arms.

Sometimes he felt like he was watching a movie. He felt as if he was seeing life from the outside looking in. He felt as if he was intruding into Beth’s life and he felt as if he didn’t belong. As if he was all alone watching the world go round without him. He wanted so desperately to take her in his arms and whisper, ‘Come with me. Let’s escape our lives. Let’s run away together and watch the world go round without us.’

it’s getting chilly

it’s always winter but never christmas
it seems this curse just can’t be lifted
yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
our hearts stay warm ’cause they are filled with hope.

Relient K

Winter