swim. love. travel.

my life daily

realization and escape

I was feeling rather helpless last night. It was 1:00 a.m. and I decided to turn off the T.V. to do some…thinking. That’s right. Thinking.

I’ve never done this before but I felt like I needed it. I sat on my bed, stared at the wall, and just reflected on what my life has become. I’m not going to lie. Despite being surrounded by people every single day, I can’t help but feel lonely – especially when I realized my best friends aren’t who I thought they were anymore. I realized that I simply don’t connect with them anymore. We’re not into the same things. They’re into drugs, alcohol, and partying. I’m not really that type of girl. Is that such a bad thing?

One thing I don’t like about Facebook is how isolated it makes you feel. Everyday, you are bombarded with photo albums of parties, events, and social outings you weren’t invited to. When you are invited to them, you make a point of commenting everywhere just to prove to the Facebook world and to all your Facebook friends that you were there and that you belonged there. You were invited…unlike all your other Facebook friends. Losers.

I am constantly attacked by notifications or pictures that pop up on my newsfeed every single time I log on to Facebook. It’s annoying. It really is. Facebook makes me feel even worse about myself because everyday, I find out that I wasn’t invited to some party…just because I don’t drink. Because, of course, everyone that goes drinks and shows up high. Is not drinking and doing drugs that bad?

I just feel frustrated with the fact that I can’t hang out with my friends unless I go to some party drunk. It’s not like I haven’t tried reaching out to them. I’ve hung out with them several times but there has been some obvious tension to indicate that things have changed. We’ve both moved on. I have a nauseating feeling that they look down upon me because I don’t drink. They think that I’m some child.

Then I start to question myself. Is there something wrong with me? Not drinking has always seemed, in my mind at least, to be the right thing to do. It makes me feel clean and pure. But everyone else does it. It seems as if the whole world does it – even on T.V. Then I ask myself, “Should I do it just because everyone else does it?” Then I begin to scold myself for letting high school get to me and letting go of my beliefs. I can’t let high school get into my head or get the best of me. It’s only 4 years of your life, right? Well…one more year for me. Thank heavens.

Senior year is going to be one heck of a nightmare but I can’t wait until it’s over and I can move on with life. Oh, and clearly, as you can tell, I don’t swear. Or I try not to. Even if I do, it’s probably written or typed out. I would never say anything bad out loud. If I do, it’s when I’m by myself and under my breath.

So what’s my method of escape?

I find solace in dreaming. I start thinking about what my future will be like. The answer to all my problems? It lies in Europe. Oh, Europe! I want to backpack across Europe and meet new people! I want to find people just like me – trying to find their escape through travelling. Because travelling is my drug – not marijuana, cocaine, or crack. Whenever I’m dealing with pressures in life, I stop and think of Europe. It makes me feel better. You know when you’re mad and people tell you to stop and think of  your happy place? Mine is Europe. It’s cliché, I know, but I can’t help myself. I want adventure. I want to learn about different cultures and try new food! I want to learn a new language and bask in what has become of history.

Europe is the answer to all my problems. I made Europe the answer to all my problems. I’ve developed such high expectations of Europe that it scares me. What if Europe is not what it’s cracked up to be? What if it falls below my expectations and turns out to be one of the worst experiences of my life? Even more lonelier than high school? After all, I don’t drink so I wouldn’t go to some random pub in London, U.K. and drink with the locals. I don’t do random hook-ups so all those stories you hear that go on in youth hostels? Not going to happen to me. What if all the people I meet in Europe are exactly like my friends back at home? It can’t be…right?


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